My Friend, the God (of Assholes)
by SwordofallCreation
Summary: How not to go fix-fic when you're not the god.


_So apparently there was once a big brother who liked life, peace, harmony, all that jazz. Then there was the emo edgy younger brother who liked to kick down his older brother's figurative sandcastles he had built and then got whiny when he got scolded._

 _Like any extended family metaphor in creationism and gods, the two responsible parents are absently missing the entire time, as well as the existence of a cool uncle or a whiny baby who makes life shit. Nor is there any mention of a stoned cousin who decides that sniffing flowers then pissing on a volcano is fine._

 _If I could, I'd edit each and every religious text to include that stoned cousin. Since he exists._

 _He's my friend, now a literal god. And he's an asshole._

-The Journal of a frustrated pawn/minion/friend/first priest/the only sane man alive

 **My Friend, the God (of Assholes)**

* * *

"Hey, hey man."

I turn around and glare at the figure lying on a pile of hay in the middle of the barn. "What, Void."

"You wanna know the quickest way to be an asshole?"

I frowned, and turned away. "No."

"Well, y'see-"

"You already told me about the Cthulhu orphanage incident. In which you barred the doors. Of the orphanage. While it was on fire. And occupied."

"Church, not orphanage actually. And it was gay Cthulhu."

I buried my head deeper into the pile of hay. As much as I was irritated by the bugs that could be in there, I'd live, with Aura. I'd much rather prefer not to have to listen to more of his stories.

Thankfully, quiet returned to the wooden barn. I sighed as I tried to return to sleep.

"Hey Josh."

I steadfastly ignored him.

"Hey Josh."

His existence was that of a fly. I had reached tranquility, _mushi_ , the state of no mind. No external influence could bother me at thi-

" _HEY JOSH."_

I tumbled out from my comfortable position in the hay and landed on my neck in the dirt. "Damnit Void, did you have to mentally scream? That shit leaves me with headaches for at least a week."

He shrugged nonchalantly as he threw a tennis ball at me. It hit dead on my forehead, then bounced back and forth as though there was an invisible string connecting me to the ball, making me a paddle board and the ball the actual ball.

"Ow, ow, ow fucking sto- ow, ow, ow, damnit Void!" I managed to catch the ball mid-air and stop it from making another bounce on my forehead.

"Huh, six bounces. Better than normal." Void noted without care. "Oh yeah, I was going to ask what we were even doing here. Unless you like doing it with horses, but I see a distinct lack of equines."

I glared at him, once more wishing that I had at least gotten the Semblance of laser vision with which to fry him with, for at least a scant second before he made my eyes shoot disco beams. "No. I do not have a preference for bestiality. We came here because of future plot things. Specifically, someone who would eventually become important to the plot. Oscar, the host for the soul congregation of Ozpin's...stuff."

"Right." He replies. "So you brought me here to deal with someone who would eventually become an unwitting receiver of a strange old man's inner thoughts and very being? Good to know you haven't fallen on the road of pedophilia. That way lies a lot of things you'd probably never want to see."

I gave him a flat look. "Void. I live with you."

"Well, that and pedophilia are very different things." He waves his hands a bit. "And let's be real, we're not going to start considering that." He mimed gagging a bit as his pretend vomit burst into glitter and rainbows.

"So, I considered giving the kid a boost." I said, ignoring Void's exaggerated barfing. "First, we burn down the barn. It worked for Luke Skywalker. Then, we take him with us on a magical journey of self-discovery in which he learns just how much a good mug of beer can solve things. After that, we wait for Ozpin's soul to come into him, grill Ozpin for information, then preferably make him a hero so we don't have to do any of the hard lifting."

"I don't know." Void mumbled. "I'm totally on board for step one, but the rest sounds pretty iffy. That's a lot of assumptions and no plans. I also thought we just agreed we weren't here for pedophilia." He waggles his eyebrows as he looks over my shoulder, where a large purple object lay in a sheath.

Shifting slightly, I look to the side and saw the sun rising slightly through the open doors. "Look, let's just burn this place down and then get on the road, okay? We can totally wing the rest of the plan."

"Sure. Wing it we shall." He snaps his fingers and a stormcloud appears above the barn, rain falling only on the building itself, except the rain wasn't truly rain.

Walking out, I lit a match and tossed it onto the barn and watched it go ablaze as the building soaked in gasoline turned into a raging inferno.

"Man, even ten years before canon, we still get to do fun things." Void said with utmost smugness. "Glad to see you're planning things well."

…

I had no words.

At the very least, we checked that there was no one inside, right?

"Ahhhh!"

 _Fucking hell, Void._

I dashed back inside the burning building, leaving behind Void who was laughing his ass out on the ground, rolling in laughter.

My friend, the asshole of a god.

With him, I try to make a better ending, a better story.

It's not easy.

* * *

Coming out of the smoke with a child in my arms, Void stood there waiting for me with his smug grin.

"Hey Josh, wanna know the quickest way to be an asshole? Well, y'see, I put us ten years before canon, so we get to fuck with everything."

I dropped the kid and punched him.

 **AN: The weirdest things happen when shooting the shit with friends. This is a different story from Life, similar idea though.**


End file.
